by John Doney / Owl's Ghetto Times
Former Army private dishonorably discharged, stripped of rank.
Camp Swampy, USA – Private Beetle Bailey, stationed at Camp Swampy AB, has been court-martialed by the United States Army for continuously engaging in conduct unbecoming of a soldier.
Army prosecutors had a detailed 462-page report on Bailey’s gross negligence of standard protocol both on and off duty. Among the charges against Bailey were sleeping on post, dereliction of duty, and insubordination. The prosecution claimed it was relatively easy to convict Bailey on all charges outlined in the report. A flagrantly public and well-known day-to-day account of his behavior was called in as the single most important body of evidence by the prosecution, and played a key role in the court’s case against Bailey.
While at first dismissed by the defense as hearsay and fanciful in nature, Bailey’s colleagues and superiors were extensively interviewed by Special Agents of the United States Army Criminal Investigation Command to corroborate the stories in the widely distributed publication that was essentially focused on his conduct unbecoming of soldier.
Bailey’s former First Sergeant Orville P. Snorkel also testified before the court for the prosecution, and described Bailey as a “bumbling idiot”, “!@#$%&”, and “an all around lout who disgraced the United States Army with his mere presence.”
During trial, Bailey fell asleep twice – once during the administering of the oath, and a second time while being cross-examined by the prosecution. The defense claimed that Bailey suffered from narcolepsy, but the prosecution was quick to refer back to witness accounts gathered by USACIC Special Agents that described him as negligent and apathetic.
Bailey’s own testimony did little to help his case, but instead helped prosecutors convince the court that Bailey was so glaringly indifferent to responsibility in general that he could not even fulfill the obligation to defend himself.
Prosecutors had sought a five-year prison sentence, dishonorable discharge, and stripping of military rank for Bailey, but were surprised by the judge’s decision to dismiss the prison sentence. The decision was based on the grounds that Bailey would be a further burden to society by having to be kept in prison, and that he would not suffer greatly because he would somehow be able to sleep during the entire term of his sentence.
During and after sentencing, Bailey was emotionless even after being handed the unusually lenient sentence by the judge. When asked by the judge if he had any last words for the court, Bailey replied, “Zzzzzzzz.”
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I thought both this and the kickass piece were pretty strong. Nice job.
Posted by: foxpudding | November 21, 2010 at 02:34 PM