by John Doney / Owl's Ghetto Times
Arlington, Texas - Martin Lawrence Michaelson, a 19 year-old freshman at UT Arlington originally from Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, died Friday afternoon in his dorm room in a freak accident witnessed live by hundreds on the internet. According to his girlfriend Gina Mann, also a freshman at UT Arlington, Michaelson died after “his head blew up because Michael Cera wasn’t in Kick Ass.”
Police reports from the incident have not been released due to an ongoing investigation, but hundreds of internet users subscribed to his webcam blog posted comments on his Facebook page corroborating Mann’ account of what happened.
According to Mann and Michaelson’s blog subscribers, Michaelson’s head exploded after realizing that actor Michael Cera was not anywhere to be found in the movie Kick Ass, which he had apparently downloaded from a file-sharing website. Video footage of the incident recorded onto a Youtube channel shows Michaelson and Mann in his UT Arlington dorm watching the movie until declaring at the end, “Double u tee eff. Michael Cera wasn’t in Kick Ass?” Immediately afterwards, Michaelson’s head vaporized with a muffling pop. Then, a hysterical Mann called 911 from her mobile phone and turned off his webcam.
UT Arlington police do not believe the incident was terrorism related, but have not ruled out foul play. A search of the accident scene yielded no weapons or explosives, and Michaelson was known as a “nice guy” who enjoyed watching movies, playing Frisbee golf, and eating pizza with friends.
Friends and family of Martin Lawrence Michaelson expressed grief and confusion over the incident, and a candlelight vigil was held outside of the dormitory building where he stayed.
Mann, the only firsthand witness of the incident, offered her own explanation of what happened to Michaelson: “I think he was just ridiculously surprised by the fact that Michael Cera wasn’t in Kick Ass. Even I thought Michael Cera was in Kick Ass, but I only saw McLovin and that up and coming poor man’s Dakota Fanning chick. I guess he couldn’t handle the notion that Michael Cera just happened to not be in a movie that Michael Cera would be the obvious choice for the lead role.”
A closed casket memorial service and funeral will be held at the Michaelson’s family church in his hometown of Moosejaw, Saskatchewan.
(Pictured above: Michael Cera whist not appearing in the film Kick-Ass)
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The family of Martin Lawrence Michaelson should invite Michael Cera to the memorial. It may shock young Mr. Michaelson into rising as a headless zombie which could be used for footage in Zombieland 2. The family could then use the royalties to digitize Michael Cera's face over Aaron Johnson in a special edition blu-ray of Kick-Ass. Then use the funds from that to build a time machine to go back and bribe the casting director into hiring Cera in the first place. I am sure the paradox would work itself out.
Posted by: Butane | November 14, 2010 at 05:50 PM